Today

I'm doing something for me.  For some women, that would mean a pedicure or a movie night or a long hot bath.  But for me, that means that I'm going back on the pill. 

I want to want a big family.  But I don't.  Not now.  Maybe not ever.  I'm at the breaking point with just the two.  Maybe they're too close together, or maybe this is a particularly hard time for us, maybe our kids have difficult personalities, maybe I'm just a crap parent.  Whatever. 

And I know that if we had more kids right now, we'd be compromising our values as parents, because we'd be overwhelmed, over budget, out of energy, out of time, out of patience. 

I could continue the whole Natural Family Planning, Fertility Awareness Method *thing* we've been doing for four years now.  But what comes with that is some level of a) acceptance of risk and b) constant thinking about it.  And I don't trust myself.  Because after a really great day, I could completely be talked into getting pregnant right now.  Even though it would seem like a really bad idea again in the morning.

And so, as a gift to myself, to the kids that I have now, and to the kids that I won't be having, I'm going on the pill.  For now.  And if I change my mind, then so be it.

Comments

[jane said]

Oh, yaye! and oh boo, right?! It's a tough decision. I'd love to have more, to name them, to see what they look like, to hear the new funny things they say, to see what their personalities would be, but me preggers - blows, and it's hard enough to find the attention that I want to give them now, let alone the $$ for all the cute shoes. Oh the shoes! If only my cats would wear tiny cute shoes!

[Jennifer]

I say good for you, Tenille. Good for you for knowing what WORKS for you and what might not. I love our NFP-surprise #3 to the ends of the earth and if I had the choice to have him or not to have him, I would choose him every.single.time without hesitating. But, certainly, having 3 kids in 4 and a half years has compromised the way we parent, the way we live and some parts of our sanity. I applaud you for actually thinking about this -- so many don't. (And yes, you can always change your mind later!)